her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
