Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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