The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
