I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize