i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
