there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize