Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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