new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
