Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
