Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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