I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
