are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
