she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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