He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
