I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
