arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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