Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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