You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
