Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
