I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize