its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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