We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
