first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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