apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
