woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
