Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
