The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize