i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
