Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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