Will you blow on my dice?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
