The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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