If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I believe in your delicious
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
