My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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