If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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