he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
