she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
