it's not cheating when I paid for it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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