my phone needs a breathalizer
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
