when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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