i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
