shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
