I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
