last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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