**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
