We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Randomize
