oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
