Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
