How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
