I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I party with great urgency now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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