Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
