don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
