the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
