Old men and throwing up are my life now.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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