TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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