areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
