My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
