So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
